Anyone else

January 11, 2008 at 7:51 pm (Life) (, , )

The joke goes that on the wedding day the groom is thinking “just say I do and I get sex all the time” and the bride is thinking “just say I do and I never have to have sex again”.  I don’t find it funny.  This story starts 9 years ago.  In Dec. of 98 my husband and I had just gotten together.  Feb of 99 I started having to pee all the time, and I do’t just mean 3 or 4 times and hour. I sat on the toilet for 3 hours just trying to pee.  I got a drop or two out.  I would get off the toilet and still had to go so I sat back down.  Every minute of every day I felt like I hadn’t peed in days.  Like I had been holding it.  It was a horrible feeling.  Never getting any relief.  I didn’t have any insurance so I couldn’t got to the doctor.  April of 99 we got pregnant.  Then I had to go to the doctor.  The entire nine months the doctors blamed the peeing thing on the pregnancy.  They completely ignored the fact that it started 2 months before I got pregnant. Then we had our son and still didn’t have insurance.  Another year later we finally had insurance and I went to the doctor again.  After a bunch of tests and scoping my bladder she still needed a better look.  The scoping was horrible.  I was laying on the table looking at all the instruments wondering how they were going to fit inside my urethra.  It was very painful and then afterwards I felt like I was peeing razorblades for the rest of the day.  So then a little while later she put me to sleep to look inside better.  It was called a bladder distention.  She stretched my bladder out by filling it with water then releasing it repeatedly.  Some people have gotten a measure of relief from that.  I didn’t.  At least she was able to diagnose me after that.  I have interstitial cystitis.  The inside lining of my bladder has thinned and the small amount of urine that is always left in anyones bladder iritates the hell out of it.  That is what makes me feel like I have to pee all the time.  It is not known what causes it and there is no cure.  Do you remember in school (especially in high school) when you desperately wanted to stand out and be noticed.  To be different and individual.  I was one of those people aways looking for some kind of attention.  I didn’t act out I just wanted to be noticed once in a while.  Well here is my difference , my individuality, my new curse.  I’m out of high school now I’ve grown up.  Now I want nothing more than to be normal.  So now for 7 years I have been on medicine to help with the irritation and another to put me to sleep at night.  I can’t tell you how hard it was to sleep when you only could think about peeing.  I actually brought my comforter into the bathroom with me a couple times and just layed on the floor in there.  They say they don’t know what causes it, but I have an idea where mine came from.  In May of 98 my brother hung himself.  It was an awful mess because I had just moved out of the house many states away and my mother was crushed.  I drank morning, noon, and night after that.  I was living with older friends so I didn’t need a job and I had people to buy my alcohol.  It was good that I didn’t need a job because I couldn’t keep one.  Going in to work drunk is never a good idea.  I think all the rum and cokes ate away at my bladder.  11 months of nonstop drinking.  That sounds like it would do the trick to me.  Although we did manage to get pregnant our sex life was nonexistent.  Before we got pregnant I was drunk all the time so I really didn’t care how many times I left him to go pee.  After we got pregnant I couldn’t drink so everything went downhill.  Imagine that you have to go pee anyways then someone wants to play with you down there.  It’s emabarrassing.  Although I shouldn’t be embarrassed, he’s my husband he married me for better or worse, it’is still very disheartening.  You don’t want him to think you don’t want him.  You just don’t want to have sex with him.  Or anything else.  I went to bed crying most of the time.  After a few seconds you have to pee then after another few seconds you have to pee again.  The third time I would just stay in the bathroom crying, and we would give up trying to have sex.  We actually completed having sex about once a month for those two years.  Now we’ve been married 8 years and he is still here.  Anyone else would’ve left me after the drunkeness.  Anyone else would’ve left me after the peeing started.  Anyone else would’ve left me when the medical bills started coming in.  Anyone else wouldve left me after the first time I cried during sex.  So anyways.  These thoughts came up because the other night I went to bed crying again.  I have good days and bad days.  Mostly bad, but then I try to think of the beginning and be thankful I’m better.  Then sometimes I’m just an ungrateful bitch and want it to all go away.  Hubby’s a horndog and I have a sexually debilitating disorder.  We go together real well don’t we?!  You have a period one week each month and mine is coming next week so I have already started turning into a cranky bitch.  Then he wants sex a couple nights ago and I feel bad that I turned him down, but my bladder felt horrible.  Usually my bladder acts up at night when it’s time to relax.  I feel bad turning him down then I get upset that I can’t fulfill his every need, then I go to the bathroom and hope he’s asleep by the time I get back to bed.  He has an itchy spot on his back and scratching his back puts him to sleep.  He jokes that I scratch his back every night to put him to sleep on purpose so I don’t have to have sex with him.  Our marriage is stronger than ever.  We have been through a lot and those first two years of my peeing and being beyond broke put great strains on us.  But we made it through. 

Anyone else would’ve left me.

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Not such a bad weekend

January 7, 2008 at 6:45 pm (Life) ()

The weekend went fairly smooth.  The kids let us eat at our favorite restaurant if they got their favorite for lunch the next day.  Do I really have to bargain just to go out and eat?!  Usually he whines the whole way through dinner and I’m lucky to get her to sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time.  There wasn’t too much trouble this weekend.  Hubby actually got to play video games yesterday for a little while.  That’s quite an accomplishment considering he’s been working a lot.  The problem is that I am better at games than he is.  He is short tempered and loses it quickly with games.  He did really well.  I really get scared when he turns on a game.  They’re supposed to be fun.  If it’s not fun don’t do it.  I wonder where the little one gets it from?! 

The puppies are little bundles of trouble. . . I mean joy.  The new one likes tearing up the carpet and only potties on the pad when he feels like it.  The two of them fight all the time over bones, food, beds.  Just about anything.  They get vicious.   

Enough for now.  I am sure their will be mmore trouble soon.  Todays the first day back at school so it’s also the first day of homework again.  Thanks for listening.

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An opener

January 5, 2008 at 6:07 am (Life) (, )

I am a mom and a wife and I have no one to talk to.  Despite being a stay at home mom/housewife I have a very busy and full life.  I love my children and my husband, but everyone has everyday difficulties.  This is my journal.  I decided to do this as a blog because I can get feedback, comments, discussions, help.  A notebook sitting in a drawer wouldn’t help my need for someone to talk to or get help from. 

This evening my little girl wouldn’t stay sitting down for dinner.  She would eat a few bites then run around the house.  When we told her to sit down and eat she would then she would take a few bites and run around again.  After a few times it escalated to yelling.  Instead of her realizing we’re really mad and it’s time to sit down and finish eating, she danced back to her chair like we weren’t even talking to her.  She was completely unaffected.  She then was sent to bed crying.  She is 4 and the terrible twos were nothing compared to this.  She gets worse as she gets older.  Earlier today she was playing with her brother and he had some toys she wanted so naturally (for her) she knocked him to the floor and stomped on him.  I sent her to her room and in that snotty tone of voice she yelled “fine” as she threw the toys in her hand at me.  She got a spanking then she smirked at me and shut herself in her closet until I left her room. 

My little boy is a whiner.  He is 8 and whines about everything.  He got a Nintendo DS for christmas and plays for a little while then gets mad, then whines, then cries hysterically if he doesn’t always win.  I explain to him that you can’t always win.  The more he plays the stronger his characters get.  If he keeps playing, even though he loses, his characters still get stronger.  This happens on all of his games.  He is old enough to play the games he just lacks the patience.  I sit down and talk with him about the games and that they are supposed to be fun.  If you’re not having fun don’t play the games.  It’s just punishment.  Of course he hears me, but he’s not listening.  This goes on every day. 

Well it’s late.  More introductions tomorrow.  Thanks for listening.

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